Attack Pro Wresting Press Start 5
Arnold Furious: June 6, 2017. The theme of this show is that Attack had glitched. So everything is a little bit out of whack here. The Club One Hundred banner is upside down. Jim Lee is in drag. And here’s Bowl-a-rama…
Bowl-a-rama (Chris Brookes & Kid Lykos) vs. #CCK (Lloyd Katt & Splits McPins)
Brookes doing Lloyd Katt’s smile is bizarre. Because everything is broken Shay is babyface. He’s also announced as “Chris Roberts”. The crowd chant “this is normal”. Imagine being at this show? We’re not even five minutes in and we’ve got Lykos shouting “shut up Lykos” at Splits. Brookes does all of Katt’s spots ridiculously slowly, including stepping over Katt and walking around instead of doing a duck under on a leapfrog. Katt doing the Brookes senton is genuinely freaky. Especially as it leads to “Chris Brookes” admonishing “Chris Roberts” for his counts. The whole thing is tremendous and the attention to detail in the move and mannerisms theft is incredible. Plus it’s a well constructed match, with only the occasional issue stemming from dudes doing moves they’re not familiar with. It almost feels like they’ve done this match before. Lykos, I mean Splits, hits the Brainbuster for the win. He called his shot. This was odd but in a good way.
Final Rating: ***
SabDrew vs. SandDrew vs. The Drew Meanie vs. WCW Drew
SandDrew vapes on his way to the ring. This is what happens when someone’s ECW obsession gets entirely out of hand. There are more ECW gimmicks than you can shake a stick it. Drew Parker himself is dressed as Sting. Drew’s Sting impression is pretty good, although he gets gassed quicker than Sting usually does. It’s probably just another glitch. Sabu is a calamity though. He can do the poses and that’s about it. Not that Sandman is much cop either. He hits moves clean for starters. Unlike in the first match there are too many guys out of their element. Drew Parker is fairly adept at switching from one character to another but the others all struggle. It’s good for a laugh but the work is wildly inconsistent. Drew gets the Scorpion Deathlock on everyone for the win, after falling over in the middle of trying to apply it. As far as wrestling matches go this was a catastrophe. They get points for being funny but not many.
Final Rating: *
Pete Dunne vs. Tyler Bate
The Bruiserweight Tyler Bate has Pete’s mannerisms down perfectly. He must have been paying attention. Pete has a fake moustache. Either that or he grew it really quickly between shows. It’s very impressive. He does the waving and handshaking gimmick. Tyler, sorry Pete, even has the cat tattoo drawn on. It’s tremendous attention to detail. Pete isn’t quite as athletic as Tyler so he slightly struggles to do some of his counters but it’s a great match regardless. It’s not until you see Pete Dunne stripped off his gimmick that you realise how much he does to layer a gimmick on there. And Tyler uses all of it. It’s not Pete’s fault that Tyler doesn’t do as much gimmick wise but Tyler absolutely kills it as the Bruiserweight. After a while I almost forget they’re f*ck*ng about because the moves are so smooth and slick and they’re so convincing in their new personalities. Tyler even nails that Pete Dunne assassination forearm shot. They kick out of each other’s finishes but Shay Pursor (Chris Roberts) gets stuck causing a delay. This brings out the Anti-Fun Police and it’s actually Damien Dunne because this whole show is too much fun but he’s got some new members… The reaction of Los Federales Santos Jr here is priceless. You can’t buy reactions that good. Unfortunately that’s the end of what was shaping up to be a great match. You can’t have it all, I guess. I laughed several times during this, genuinely laughing out loud and confusing my wife.
Final Rating: ***3/4
Mike Boar & Wild Bird vs. Eddie Dennis (Ryan Smile) & Nixon Newell
Boar and Bird have swapped with each other. Bird’s Wild Boar is spot on. Nixon looks…different. The fans are totally into this and you can tell because a couple of them help catch ‘Nixon’ on a dive. Also they chant stuff out of order. Mike “Wild Boar” Bird takes a horrible spill through a box at ringside but luckily Boar has an extra life. Smile cracks me up by attempting the double fallaway slam spot that Eddie does but he isn’t strong enough and everyone falls on him. I’m not sure if I like ‘Nixon’ having a high pitched faux voice but the match is genuinely funny. Eddie takes a piledriver through a box/table and that finishes as they didn’t bring an extra life.
Final Rating: ***
Love Making Demon vs. Elijah
These two have switched gimmicks and the sight of a happy and stoned Elijah is just bizarre. Heel Love Making Demon is equally weird although he’s more about banter than pure evil. At this point Shay just completely loses his shit and starts laughing at Elijah grinding on Love Making Demon. Everyone has a breaking point. The work is occasionally twitchy but suitably daft to compensate. I’m particularly enamoured with them rolling around and getting Shay caught up in compromising positions. “He’s only a child”. “It’s Chris. It’s ok”. “Elijah” gets the win courtesy of an Implant DDT. This was fun, to see Elijah behaving like a sex maniac babyface, but it lacked the depth of the other parodies. Maybe that’s because I’m not as familiar with LMD and Elijah as characters as I have been everyone else.
Final Rating: **1/2
The Anti-Fun Police (Mark Andrews, Eddie Dennis & Flash Morgan Webster) vs. The Brothers of Construction & Mark Andrews
It’s great to see all the traditional babyfaces yucking it up as heels. I don’t think I’ve seen any of those new coppers heel it up before. The crowd chant “Tipton’s real” to greet the Construction Brothers destroying the Tipton isn’t real meme. The babyface Mark Andrews doesn’t quite look right.. “What is up, fellow kids?” He has most of Andrews act down but he fails to sing along to his own theme music, which is a pity. He nails down the banter though. “I’m from Wales” he mentions casually as he passes the crowd. Mark Andrews kills me with his response though; “go back to TNA”. Imagine bantering yourself out of the ring? I’m not sure who mocks Mark Andrews better; Travis or Andrews himself. The match mostly works, although the Hunters and Eddie develop communication issues a couple of times. Santos runs in to eat a 3D and that’s botched too. The match also stops as the Construction Brothers attempt to repair the broken Game Cube that controls this version of the Attack Universe, only doing so will send everything back to how it was. So they’d be heels again. “Ethical dilemma” chant the crowd. “We fix things, that’s what we do” say the Construction Brothers so they fix it and the entire show unglitches.
With the world returned to normal the babyfaces make their entrance again to “Party Hard” and G-Man, who’s clearly had too much coffee, throws in a dozen jump cuts. Average Shot Length: 0.25 seconds. This leads to Shay being heel again and refusing to count pinfalls so Chris Roberts gives him a Stunner. Roberts is the babyface? There’s a first for everything. SSP finishes for the faces, the ones who turned face during the match that is. This was fun and very weird.
Final Rating: ***1/2
Summary: This was one of the most innovative and wildly entertaining pro wrestling shows of 2017. Nobody is doing wrestling like Attack are. So many other promotions are falling over each other to do the most ‘strong style’ matches and Attack don’t give a f*ck about any of it. Daft shit is their bread and butter and they’re phenomenal at it. There are two matches here that repeatedly popped me and were also very good wrestling matches. Those are well worth seeing. Your mileage on this show as a whole will depend on how familiar you are with the characters who are being subverted and made fun of. If you’ve never seen an Attack show this would be a tough place to start. If you want to get into Attack by watching a few other shows so this makes sense, that would be preferable. If you like comedy wrestling you’ll not regret giving Attack a chance to showcase their unique brand.