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Monday Night Raw (03/21/94)

Arnold Furious: Last week the WWF presented footage from the March to WrestleMania X so there was no Raw. It was a terrible show. They jobbed Bret to Crush and Tatanka to Yokozuna in a dual piece of insane booking. Keep in mind Tatanka was fresh off his best work as a face and yet he’s counting lights for the dead-in-the-water champ. Plus jobbing Bret to Crush, in order to get Owen over, was nothing short of stupidity. Keeping in mind that Owen beat Bret at WrestleMania X, so why did Bret need to put Crush over as well? Who the hell cares about Crush anyway? Remembering the mistakes made going into WrestleMania X rather drove me to drink. In the Complete WWF Video Guide Volume #2 I invented a drinking game to help me get through UK Rampage ’93. I was going to repeat that on the 21st March edition of Raw. But I ended up getting drunk before watching the show instead. Here’s what happened… my apologies in advance.

We’re in Pookeepsee, why would you keep poo? Unless you wanted fetialisa for your garden. Get a new entro video. Everytime I’m looking at you it’s a year already. Hosta re Vince & Savage. Yesterday was wretslemania. So its alive! RAAAAAAAAAW!

 

Bushwankers vs. Qubecers
What kind of evil bastard booked this? This is not for the presitous WWF tag titles. The raw girl has titties like boom. Focus on the girl, not the whackers. They’re not the mountsi, they alwas get they man, dah dah dah. Bushwanks on raw, is enough to drve you to drinkinginging. Stop fguck a marching, you asshols. Yhis match sucks the dikc. All of ti. Oh, its so bad. All miscues. Every friggin mov is miscued. What a loa of hose shit. Eat my scrotum bushwankers. I jhae two swords. Oen for each bushers. Not a pork fot wad either. Lor of the Rings. And samauao. Slahy, slah. Campaalge? What are they hidin from? Ahat are they blending into? You weird kikwi bastads. New |eland; no just Lord of the Rins. Pop quiz; wht happens when two joke teams wrestle each other? Answer; this shit. Sick in my mout a bit errhee. How long is this? Miscue, misuce, sauce, miscue. Mommy, whats is so bad? Urrrrrgh, wn the pain! Kill, kill, kill. What are you assholes doing to my sprot@? DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE. Jack flips bump punch make me sad. Battaring ram? Battering ram? Battering ram? I’ll battarang ram you;. Bitches. Jack wins wit a knee. Botch. Worst, match. Ever.
Final Rating: ABORT, ABORT, ABORT. Minus  zilly stars -*************

 

(The match was terrible, from what I recall, and well into negative stars – sober AF)

 

Interview Tie: Vince, red and Albano. Noooo. What manner of horror? Albano wants a title match got his team. Raven is all ‘screw it, who cars about you old man? Do it.

 

Birhs ackaers? Alabano? AWWFUL. A collection of asshattettery. I pike on your faces.

 

Promo tue: IRS and taxes. Goeon forever. This is the worse sow in ever.

 

(All of this was bad – sober AF)

 

Tananka vs. Chris Hammmrick
Yeah, that one, from ECW who everyon hates. Blond wig? Mucks up my hate mogo by being good. Damn you both. Hammmmrick atkes AMAZING bmp through topes. So good. Big pops. Tanaka confus, and big replay. Replay for jobber! Taxi now. EW-C-DUB, WC –DUB, DOWN. OOPS./ take another silly mp. Hamrick is so sknny. Not weating trashbas either. War dance. Don’t upset the saced faeathers. This is messy but fun. Like whisky. Paofofops=to go finsihs.
Final Rating: **

 

(Good match, Hamrick took an awesome bump through the ropes that freaked Vince out. Too skinny for a contract though – sober AF)

 

Wrestlatmani: Report@: Todd, TODDDDDD, TODDDDD, TODDDD. Go away rodd. Todd. Your celebritiris are nto famous. NOT. Who is thonda sheer? Big tits, queeky voice. Todd, wy uopiu lie to me. I don’t want the plreay. Why is it a week away? Was wrong with you?

 

Buy ICOPCO.

 

Diesel vs. Ken Somebody
Who casre? Lucious? I call him Sad Ken. Looks like Jim Snuka in Cheech and Chong. Nash tries to pill his head off. Wait, pull. Is that actually Cheech Marin? Jkac knife. Theree.
Final Rating: ½*

 

(Just a squash, jobbers name was Ken Lucia – sober AF)

 

Interview Time: Bret Hat. WWF champ! Vnce realls mania finish. Bad finish. Head back, his bad, he’ll take on everyone. Bitches on notice. All bitches. Vince bring up Owen. Lie vomit. My feet smell funny. Bout time they di a topical promo on arw.

 

Burt Reyondls? Get that mostache the fk out of where. Aways.

 

Ra girls!

 

Jeff Jarrett vs. Koko Beware
Strtust, strust, strut, strut. Strut. Stirst. STturst. Strst. Stisrt. Stisrt. Strust. Strut! Are we in mMpehios? Strust, strut. Strut. Strust. Pose. Who wears pink gear> pink and blak, sure, but pink? Girls gear, Jeff. Lime green vs. pink. Like someone was sick on lsd. Koko you sma;; pile of balls. Match I ok. DDT finihes. Savage thows drink at Jeff. EAT MY COKE. Soo much pink firlls. Bordello rules.
Final Rating:

 

(The fight between Savage and Jarrett was entertaining, I’d like to see that match – sober AF)

 

THE RAW RECAP

 

Most Entertaining: Chris Hammmmmrick. Kiling hiself for my amusment.

 

Least Entertaining: Bushwankers.

 

Quote of the Night: “This sis the best feeling I ever had” – Burt Reynolds.

 

Match of the Night: Tatanka vs. Chris Hammrick. It was mess but it was fun mess.

 

Verdict: After I jumped aover the wall I knew it was toble. A oeuaib? At 2am? With my reputation? May have been sick on a hedge. No fault of mine. Then the cops turned up, seconds after my troubsers fell off. And that’s how I got arrested THE DSECOND TIME!!11.

(From what I remember this show was two halves. The first half is dreadful, just utter drek at every turn. Bushwhackers, Lou Albano, IRS skit. Awful stuff. The rest of the show is ok, but you want the post-Mania show to be a home run. At least they had Bret Hart out for a promo – sober AF)
Rating: 0

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